sparkignitefire

Every pound is accounted for. #74-“I thought this was down-sizing?” #49-“Yeah, let’s up that dose”

It’s all there. This nice, not so neat and tidy package.

There are lots of words, for as quick as I am, that I truly did not understand the meaning of. Goal-setting (I know it’s a group of words)-this is something I did more unconsciously and many times with out that all too important ‘plan’, accountability-when you are in ‘me’-you are all that matters, and no-I still fail to understand this one. I feel grateful that I am learning these with people who are lifters and not pressers. (kind of like that bus-boy/waiter thing)

Each one of those bloated fat cells has a name, place and id number. There are too many of them to have individual conversations with, so I am asking them to group up and say their good-byes. Tomorrow it is the bike and then the pool. Sweet MOG, the pool-that is the swimming suit I purchased and a for certain near drowning experience until I get my breath back. I quit smoking Jun 6th, 1996-the day I got on the treadmill to prepare for Kilimanjaro. The foray back to the pool feels like that on the lungs. Good times.

Today was a reminder that life happens to people at different times. I have no control over it. (dear God, it could drive me to the drink) There is little I can do except try and remain as calm as I can and the biggest thing for me….it’s crazy honesty for me now…..not to say ‘I told you so’. I don’t want to be that person. The ‘I told you so’ person. That’s the person you want to punch in the face.

Three years ago in March, we packed up our house and moved. This was a house that I found, it was beautiful. Latte colored brick, turn of the century , huge-it was a three flat, and perfect to stay in for a while. I gutted it to the brick-new joists, everything. I picked every tile, cabinet, stair tread, drywall screw……there was not one thing that did not have my love on it. In 2007, when the middle class starting feeling the tightening of the belt, they stopped getting new drapes and remodelling kitchens. As my hard-earned and very much-loved business was reaching critical mass we were gutting a house. We finally lost that battle to the bank in 2009. My hope is that someone loves the wallpaper I picked.

I tell you this story for two reasons. That as much as we love our things and put time and energy into them-they are things. The 2nd reason is loss is a great equalizer. We have all felt it in some capacity. However long it takes you to know that loss does not define you, is your road. It’s yours. No one else can pave it, clean it or maybe for a bit, it could be you are just filling the pot-holes.

My road-the cocoon lasted three years. This body all 239 lbs of it (have lost 4 lbs so far) is a reminder that I am here.