sparkignitefire

In the past few months I have found it helpful and very useful to remember times in my life when there was ease, feeling of support and in love with what I was doing. This comes in many forms-doing the sitting/standing dance of painting for hours and hours, the 40+ mile an hour downhill on a mountain bike, dancing with a crazy drunk Scot at my dear friend’s wedding in Fife. These are bundled up like beautifully written letters in the Victorian era tied with a coveted silk ribbon. These moments are road-maps to finding my way.

There are beliefs that I feel like were formed in that old brain. The type O+, club carrying, dinosaur eating brain. These beliefs are the armour that keep us in and people out. Mine are so boring……Anger, stubbornness, sadness, and fear. I drew a diagram (I loved English diagraming, remember those days?) from these dullards to the root…the new math. Anger and stubbornness comes out of my need to protect….myself and those I love (if you are in Sarah’s world….I have a mean upper-cut/upper-cut/left jab. You will never see it coming). Sadness for me comes from a deep deep well of feelings of inequality and unfairness. Not in a woes me scenario, in a ‘you are unable to see how your inability to have any kind of self-reflection makes you a tragic <<insert: manipulative, liar, self-centered>>  person. Fear is the hardest one to handle knowing it is lurking. I was telling my FF friend, that everything I do, I have the split second where I let myself know, I don’t have to do that, go there, handle that. Then there is the few seconds I spend talking myself into doing whatever it is I needed or wanted to do. Always have done it, seems a little exhausting to hear about it. Fear is a great equalizer. It’s in the Rolodex of my Lymbic Brain.

So once you have these goodies named, labeled, packaged and ready to toss, what does one do with them? Notice. Hold them accountable for the feeling and the outcome. Remember a time when none of them surfaced. What was different? Could you utilize some of that mojo?

Slowly changing the cells and how they line up to fight the good fight is one way. Like running. You start by walking, then you run one/walk two, slowly running two/walking one and soon you have a marathon behind you. You are teaching the muscles and tissue to handle the load and that you promise to buy better shoes for the next race.

We all have a system of pulleys and levers that help us function.

It may take a while to get them purring. I see it happening for longer stretches.

In the words of one of my dear guides-his given name was Good Luck, on Mt Kilimanjaro…..polo polo……….Slow Slow.

love you