sparkignitefire

When one  is always….on, you are in constant hum. Some days, moments, weeks it can be really loud. Move mountains, dig deeper and even when done with love….you lose valuable plasma. Many keep on this path for a very long time. Losing iron, vital sources of brain juice and always seeing the bottom of the wave. This by no means that the spirit wanes (though it can), or you are not able to take it, tolerate it and even love it. At different times in our lives it is required, we move towards it.

Had a friend just defend her dissertation on compassion fatigue. I am constantly amazed when words read or heard all of a sudden click. That card in the Rolodex of the brain flips forward. It was a moment that slid everything forward for me. There are so many kinds of fatigue. It’s slow……you may not notice it for a while. It creeps up on you, months, years and decades. Then whammo…..you are forever changed, in a different room, a new set of tools. You remember how it was, what worked in situations. It may not work now….or seems hollow.

I know I am forever placing things in files, boxes, bins to make sense of it. My fabric library was vast and cataloged the way my brain saw it. I could be in a another city and someone would call wanting something and I knew exactly what bin and even how far back it was in the bin. Those snap-shots slowly disappeared and very replaced by daily….momentary…..split second decisions. Four years later I am feeling the fatigue. I wear it. I have retreated….for real this time. No toe-dipping back in patterns that contribute to the fatigue. It feels as though there is this construct being built out of fine silk thread (it is one of the strongest materials on earth) beautifully woven….thoughtful and sometimes it feels blindly. There are moments when I wonder what the heck? Why am I so drawn to this? What does it mean?

It’s being out in the sea……you are in between the waves and lose sight of the lamp. The waves will take you back up to see….remind you of your destination. The fatigue thins out. What you remember from before is part of that lumen, it’s a different shape, color and sends signals that you may not know yet.

Know that the ocean floor is wonderous. It waits….patiently to teach us what we want to know.

Love you.