sparkignitefire

There is a lot one can learn, just by merely observing people. Observation #1 today: Sweetness comes in lots of packaging. Observation #2 today: Can I play the “game” only a little bit? Observation #3 today: Some people are truly ONLY concerned with themselves. I cannot alter their course of self-absorption at all. It’s nuts…….just nuts. Truly, it’s not that I want to expend that much energy, it’s tough to know that they really just don’t care.

I remember when Maryland Institute College of Art was visiting my High School. It was one of those college fairs where you bring your work and a recruiter is there to look at it and see if you are fit for their school. I went to one of those Fame High School’s, we had music, dance, art and theatre. It was a magical time. A few hours of academics and the rest of the day was your talent. Everyone had focus. Everyone had something to do. So when Scott from MICA came I was ready for him. In fact, I told him within the first 2.5 minutes of meeting him, that if I did not go to MICA, I would not go to college. Bullish…I am a betting girl……better, a clever girl? I was lucky, the work that I showed him was really good. Photographs and collages drawn from years of survival and growing up fast. There are some incredible artists that came out of my HS. Really talented. Famous. I used art as response to what I may not have been able to express in words or by my actions. The training-HS, college, grad school were amazing. The focus needed and demanded harnessed that nutty energy I had.

Painting taught me patience and lightness. The work that came out after my dad died was magical. It somehow transferred to the Interior Design….making decisions, the hand in it and most amazingly, the ability to ask for what I wanted. The paintings taught me to listen. That whisper I told you about that gets trampled on almost all the time by the loud-ass voice of fear and doubt….it was alive and had the mic. In the past six months working towards giving that whisper the mic again has been challenging. Many times having to knock the block off the LA (loud-ass) to get it to behave. There is a wonder and amazement when I see other people raising children, daily life, working, being a wife and it seems so effortless. Cognitively, I know it’s not as it seems. What do they have that I don’t? Why can’t that be enough?

I’ve seen too much. I know the man behind the curtain exists.

I’m glad I am unable to just go along. Make nice.

One gets better at something when you keep doing it. Key is to learn from what is not working, change it and keep on keeping on. My first marathon was in Chicago and while I wasn’t crazy over weight, I was about 15 lbs over “race weight”. Just enough to make running for 26+ miles a pain in the rear. I finished a few minutes under the 6 hour cut off. Out of 30,000+ running, I came in 29,000ish. The next year I ran it and took almost 1 hr 45 mins off that time. Was I a better runner?….not really, was I “race weight”?……no, still about 10 lbs over, did I use a golf cart?…..no, I felt every mile. I learned how to be faster, not give into the pain so often and love the journey. The next year I ran Chicago again…did a little better…nothing like the curve from the year before and I upped the ante. I ran a marathon in Ohio the next weekend. Yes, crazy and yes probably stupid…..I needed to push my journey. Ohio, I finished 5 hours something and ran with  50-year-old Fire-Fighter carrying an old style 30 lb oxygen tank on his back for Lung Cancer Fundraising. He was in awesome shape. Super nice. We were at the back of the pack. Most were trying to qualify for Boston and finished hours ago. It was a stunning 50 degree day, the course was beautiful and we could run.

A lot of tangents tonight. My head is full of snot from swimming my first 300 meters in 4 years. It felt great. Not too much drowning. The body is remembering. It’s what I learned from painting. Patience and lightness.

Thank you…love you.